Rainy day blues..

Some days it's really hard to get motivated here lately. For some reason I have been feeling sorry for myself and all around unhappy, though I try hard to ignore it, some days just get the best of me. I have been having more of them lately. Today is definitely one of them so I apologize in advance for an entire post of me whining.
I feel like I'm always in a constant state of conflict. Doing things I don't really want to do and going through the motions even though I really don't want to. When I sit and analyze my life there are so many things I wish I could fix, mainly with myself but I just don't know where to begin. I feel like a bad mom, wife, and friend. I suck at managing my bills/budget and my time. I am constantly exhausted. I have all these things I want out of life but I have no idea how to achieve them. I feel so stuck just working and trying to keep things running that there is no time for me to even think about what I want.
I feel like there's so much wrong with myself that I'm ruining my kids. How can it be that at 25 somehow I never developed social skills? When I think of something fun I'd love to do and try to think who I could get to go with me, I realize I really have no friends. I do have a couple that I love Jen, Megan and Kristi, though we don't talk on a regular basis or get the chance to see each other, I still care deeply for our friendships. I feel like our lives are so busy and passing by we hardly get to be apart of each others anymore. :(
Then there is a few women I really respect and appreciate here in NC, mainly Liz and Emily. I really look up to them as such good wives and mothers and I am truly thankful they live here and were kind enough to let me join in on things. Though I think because I'm a little younger and not in quite the same place in life I always feel like the little younger sister who is trying to hang with the cool kids. Like I'm not quite with it and don't have enough experience. I feel awkward and out of place a lot and that I don't have much to bring to a friendship.
I think just overall I don't feel like anyone really cares about me though. I'm over here running this stupid daycare and trying to raise my kids. I don't get invited places by anyone. No one just thinks to call me or write an email. No one has something funny happen to them and thinks "oh I have to text Laura about this". I just don't think I cross anyone's mind very often. I feel so lame because I don't even have any friends who I could just invite anywhere either! I'm not at all downing the friends I do have, life happens and your going and busy, I think I just feel left in the back somewhere, stuck and feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, I must come across so weird or rude or annoying. I can't figure it out, I've joined groups here. A church group and mommy groups and people don't seem to like me. I don't think I 'socially' left high school. I know it's my fault, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable around new people. I have struggled with feeling judged by my peers all throughout my life. Having children young seems to have only made the problem worse. Not that I regret that at all. They are my greatest accomplishment. However anyone with a child Jordan's age is typically not anywhere close to my age. I feel like I'm constantly stuck with the stigma of being a teen mom though I'm in my mid 20s. I'm reminded of this stigma daily at work when people ask me about my due date and if this is my first. When I tell them 'no, it's my 3rd' I get all kinds of looks and blunt, thoughtless remarks as people try to guess how old I am and how I have almost three kids and a business in such a short life. The overall feeling I get is people think I have no idea what I'm doing and im careless. It's pretty evident with their remarks and their shocked expressions. It has gotten so bad lately that I have either lied and told people I'm older than I am or when they ask about my kids, i have left Jordan off my list to spare the discussion. What kind of mother does that? I guess a bad one that's tired of hearing the same crap. Apparently, ive found, it's totally acceptable for me to have sawyer and be pregnant, but Jordan?? She's way too old to be mine and who has three kids?? I mean im "going to have my hands so full" I must be crazy!?!or so I've been asked.
I'm not a military wife or stuck up or uppity or old and that seems to be about the only groups of women here. I have a really hard time fitting in. I don't know why I care what any of them think but I feel so sad that not one person finds me to be fun or worth their time. Every few months I have a big fat cry fest with Derek about all of this, and he tries to explain to me how I'm in control of this and if I want friends I need to make them, I need to put myself out there. I feel like I have and I just get rejected. Plus how does one just walk up to someone and become friends. It doesn't work like that.
I'm just sad. I've never had someone try to surprise me, for a birthday or just out of the blue. No one wanted to throw me a wedding shower and though I had one I kind of forced people into throwing my baby shower with sawyer. No one has given any thought to one this time, mainly because who would? Who would even come? i don't want one because I feel greedy, however I just thought it would be nice for someone to care about me and the baby enough to at least want to celebrate its life with brunch or something. I feel like a big cry baby and I feel completely selfish for wanting these things. I think I just want to feel like someone cares!!
I know I need to focus on what I'm lacking and what I want to change to better myself and to find purpose but I am struggling to do that on my own. If the problem is me but I have no help, how do I fix it, and what exactly needs fixing. Then again, who has the time? I still have a ton of dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, work, taking care of the kids etc and that's just tomorrow's list. I don't fit into my own schedule. There's just no time to sit around and feel sorry for myself or time to address the problems and fix it. That's why I'm up at 2am writing this post. Mainly to vent and get out my thoughts since I have no one to tell them to except Derek. I don't even think anyone reads my blog but maybe this will help myself to look back on in the long run. I pray, from a better place.
There's so much more I wanted to say and get out but I guess I'll save that for another rainy day.