Hello Wilmington...farewell Southern Pines...

 

     I'm going to back and fill in this huge two year gap a little at a time, but our life has been here and there and a hectic mess. Huge changes, but I think we are finally settling in. Derek and Jack are now running the second Betsy's Crepes in one of our favorite cities! We loved living here when we were first married, but couldn't stay, so I'm really excited for this second chance! Wilmington is a beautiful city full of history and fun family activities and lots and lots of other people! The traffic here can be a bit intense but I am definitely loving it. The beach is minutes from our house, which is pretty dang amazing. I have always wanted to live at the beach. I'm so glad I can mark that off my bucket list! It is a big transition living away from family for the first time since the boys joined our family. It was nice to have my mom down the street to just drop them off, and to know that if something happened and I couldn't pick Jordan up from school I could count on Liz, who was always there right when I needed her. I can't really say I miss southern pines, but I do miss knowing I could drive right over to a warm inviting house and sit down for a cup of coffee and pour myself out for hours on end in deep conversation. Knowing that talking to her would boost the confidence I have in myself as a mother and a wife, and just as a woman. Liz is an amazing person and I still marvel at her ability to gracefully carry out more than the average mom. I have learned so many things from her during our friendship, and I can say she one of my role models. My life was blessed and truly enriched to get to share those years and experiences with her. Moving away has definitely been harder than I expected, plus settling in has literally taken all summer, mainly due to getting the restaurant on its feet. I am glad she is still only 2 hours away, but at the same time, its not quite the same. I think its time for a visit and a warm cup of coffee.


                                                

    


Its amazing, you see these pleasant interactions with people throughout life as nice memories or maybe even one of the 'little things' that impact your life, but in reality they are your life. They are the pieces that start to shape the person you are and the person you grow into. I really don't believe we just simply grow on our own, but more often its an unconscious effort of the people in our surroundings and our experiences with them. Unfortunately, most times you cant fully appreciate them until they have passed. Its not coincidence that these people are brought into your life right when you need them, even if you didn't realize you did at the time. Its nothing short of a blessing. I have been truly been blessed by the friends and family who have shared life with me For some reason I never get to live close to my closest friends very long, I'm sure God has a deeper purpose than I can see, when I'm lonely and trying to hold back the tears. I just truly hope that they know the blessings they have brought into my life and continue to every day. I'm excited to meet new people here and really begin our lives in Wilmington, but little pieces of my heart will be with Jen, Liz, Megan, and Kristi.

32 weeks

Just thought I'd catch up on the pregnancy update. I'm now about 32.5 weeks (according to the doctors, I still think their dates are off) I still don't know when I ovulated, it wasn't on schedule. Since I was doing natural family planning I was tracking my weeks and abstaining during that week. Well that didn't work. However I do know when I had a positive pregnancy test and it was earlier than they think I should have.) I'm thinking instead of being due Oct 23rd I'm due closer to oct 10th. I sure feel more like 34 weeks.

Either way I'm sure this baby will be early, last I was checked I am already 1cm and 70% thinned out. I've already spent one night in labor and delivery a couple weeks ago for steady contractions. I've been seeing doctor szabo (against my will) who isn't concerned with what's going on. Despite my history of preterm labor with both kids. I can go from 1cm to 4cm like nothing. Next week is my last progesterone shot so I guess we will see how it goes. I also have an extra ultrasound to check the baby's weight. The baby so far has been measuring at the top of the charts. (Another reason I feel their dates are off) I make big babies but I don't make Guinness work record babies. All and all I'm expecting this baby to arrive between the end of sept and the beginning of oct. I'm very very ready for this one to be out and the pregnancy to be over. I'm ready to have my body back and a little energy as well as be able to finally hold this unexpected little surprise. Don't get me wrong I'm very very grateful to have this baby but I'm done with the incubating. I feel like the last 2 1/2 years i have been nothing but a walking uterus!

With all that aside, here is my 32 week picture.

Rainy day blues..

Some days it's really hard to get motivated here lately. For some reason I have been feeling sorry for myself and all around unhappy, though I try hard to ignore it, some days just get the best of me. I have been having more of them lately. Today is definitely one of them so I apologize in advance for an entire post of me whining.
I feel like I'm always in a constant state of conflict. Doing things I don't really want to do and going through the motions even though I really don't want to. When I sit and analyze my life there are so many things I wish I could fix, mainly with myself but I just don't know where to begin. I feel like a bad mom, wife, and friend. I suck at managing my bills/budget and my time. I am constantly exhausted. I have all these things I want out of life but I have no idea how to achieve them. I feel so stuck just working and trying to keep things running that there is no time for me to even think about what I want.
I feel like there's so much wrong with myself that I'm ruining my kids. How can it be that at 25 somehow I never developed social skills? When I think of something fun I'd love to do and try to think who I could get to go with me, I realize I really have no friends. I do have a couple that I love Jen, Megan and Kristi, though we don't talk on a regular basis or get the chance to see each other, I still care deeply for our friendships. I feel like our lives are so busy and passing by we hardly get to be apart of each others anymore. :(
Then there is a few women I really respect and appreciate here in NC, mainly Liz and Emily. I really look up to them as such good wives and mothers and I am truly thankful they live here and were kind enough to let me join in on things. Though I think because I'm a little younger and not in quite the same place in life I always feel like the little younger sister who is trying to hang with the cool kids. Like I'm not quite with it and don't have enough experience. I feel awkward and out of place a lot and that I don't have much to bring to a friendship.
I think just overall I don't feel like anyone really cares about me though. I'm over here running this stupid daycare and trying to raise my kids. I don't get invited places by anyone. No one just thinks to call me or write an email. No one has something funny happen to them and thinks "oh I have to text Laura about this". I just don't think I cross anyone's mind very often. I feel so lame because I don't even have any friends who I could just invite anywhere either! I'm not at all downing the friends I do have, life happens and your going and busy, I think I just feel left in the back somewhere, stuck and feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, I must come across so weird or rude or annoying. I can't figure it out, I've joined groups here. A church group and mommy groups and people don't seem to like me. I don't think I 'socially' left high school. I know it's my fault, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable around new people. I have struggled with feeling judged by my peers all throughout my life. Having children young seems to have only made the problem worse. Not that I regret that at all. They are my greatest accomplishment. However anyone with a child Jordan's age is typically not anywhere close to my age. I feel like I'm constantly stuck with the stigma of being a teen mom though I'm in my mid 20s. I'm reminded of this stigma daily at work when people ask me about my due date and if this is my first. When I tell them 'no, it's my 3rd' I get all kinds of looks and blunt, thoughtless remarks as people try to guess how old I am and how I have almost three kids and a business in such a short life. The overall feeling I get is people think I have no idea what I'm doing and im careless. It's pretty evident with their remarks and their shocked expressions. It has gotten so bad lately that I have either lied and told people I'm older than I am or when they ask about my kids, i have left Jordan off my list to spare the discussion. What kind of mother does that? I guess a bad one that's tired of hearing the same crap. Apparently, ive found, it's totally acceptable for me to have sawyer and be pregnant, but Jordan?? She's way too old to be mine and who has three kids?? I mean im "going to have my hands so full" I must be crazy!?!or so I've been asked.
I'm not a military wife or stuck up or uppity or old and that seems to be about the only groups of women here. I have a really hard time fitting in. I don't know why I care what any of them think but I feel so sad that not one person finds me to be fun or worth their time. Every few months I have a big fat cry fest with Derek about all of this, and he tries to explain to me how I'm in control of this and if I want friends I need to make them, I need to put myself out there. I feel like I have and I just get rejected. Plus how does one just walk up to someone and become friends. It doesn't work like that.
I'm just sad. I've never had someone try to surprise me, for a birthday or just out of the blue. No one wanted to throw me a wedding shower and though I had one I kind of forced people into throwing my baby shower with sawyer. No one has given any thought to one this time, mainly because who would? Who would even come? i don't want one because I feel greedy, however I just thought it would be nice for someone to care about me and the baby enough to at least want to celebrate its life with brunch or something. I feel like a big cry baby and I feel completely selfish for wanting these things. I think I just want to feel like someone cares!!
I know I need to focus on what I'm lacking and what I want to change to better myself and to find purpose but I am struggling to do that on my own. If the problem is me but I have no help, how do I fix it, and what exactly needs fixing. Then again, who has the time? I still have a ton of dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, work, taking care of the kids etc and that's just tomorrow's list. I don't fit into my own schedule. There's just no time to sit around and feel sorry for myself or time to address the problems and fix it. That's why I'm up at 2am writing this post. Mainly to vent and get out my thoughts since I have no one to tell them to except Derek. I don't even think anyone reads my blog but maybe this will help myself to look back on in the long run. I pray, from a better place.
There's so much more I wanted to say and get out but I guess I'll save that for another rainy day.

Baby #3

The last week or so we have been transitioning at work after losing kristi. :( which unfortunately means a lot more work for me. I had gotten use to being able to rely on Kristi and pretty much cut my hours down to part time. Which is huge compared to the 65+ hours I was working every week while pregnant with Sawyer. I honestly don't know how I did it because I'm so so exhausted this time around, especially this last trimester. It's really been kicking my butt. Which is in part due to the fact that I have low iron and quite a low platelet count with this baby. It seems every pregnancy I have to develop some type of issue, it can't just be a normal uneventful experience. Jordan was threatening to come at 31 weeks then decided to arrive at 34 weeks. With Sawyer I had polyhydrominos (a lot of extra amniotic fluid), this baby is trying to thin out my blood :(.

My last blood draw was at 28 weeks and my platelet count was at 101 (I don't really understand the measurements but I do know the 'normal range' is 150-400. If mine continues to drop it will become an issue fast. Mainly because if it dips below 75 they won't administer an epidural during delivery. This wouldn't be such a big deal except at my growth scan today they found that the baby is measuring in the 99th percentile weighing in at 3lb and 14oz already!!!!!! Average for 29 weeks is about 2.5lbs. They are going to watch the growth to see what happens. I just don't know that I can do another all natural drug-free birth with a giant baby! I'm starting to stress a little! Though I am very thankful this baby is healthy I just don't understand why I grow such big babies :(

Other than that not a whole lot else going on! Trying to sort out work and juggle my mother/wife roles and find time for me. It just doesn't happen much. I'm just praying I get everything covered and taken care of by the time October comes. Hopefully this task will go smoothly!!

Getting back to the grind

   Not a lot has been going on around here, just working and being pregnant. Trying to get into our new routine has been a little tougher than usual.  Jordan started back at school a couple weeks ago. Shes in the big 1st grade now! She loves school and is so super smart it blows my mind. This kid is a math whiz and a top reader in her class. Apparently she is reading above her grade level already! Im so proud of how smart she is, her talents are just endless. This is a picture of her from the morning before her first day of first grade!

Currently, Im just over here being all pregnant and such. The beginning of this pregnancy seemed to fly by and looking back seems like Im going to wake up in 6 months and realize just how fast it went by and how I took it for granted. I have really struggled with this pregnancy to actually enjoy it. It seems so weird to me because over all I have such easy pregnancies and I lose the weight quickly and I typically love it. However this time I was not trying to get pregnant. It was much sooner than I had planned and I was literally just getting my body back. Just a couple months of nursing left then I was free to focus on me and getting back in shape etc. Then bam! I found out the beginning of February that i'm starting it all over again. That sounds terrible right? Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful for a healthy baby. This baby is already loved and I always wanted more kids I just had planned to space them out a bit more. I also have been getting negative remarks occasionally from customers at the daycare and random strangers and it gets to me after a while. I am a little worried about how I'm going to manage a new baby and the other two, being a wife, cleaning and errands all while working full time. It is so daunting right now that I honestly just try to block it out. Though the ticking time clock is getting louder everyday. My time of a mommy of two is dwindling....scary! Im trying to stay positive and focus on this unexpected  blessing.

Almost 28 weeks here :) Hello 3rd trimester!!!!

Jordan and I made some really tasty birthday confetti popcorn and sent to Jen for her 25th birthday :) We of course had to make a second batch to eat ourselves since Sawyer wanted to eat all of Jen's. hehe Little piggy!

Here is a pic of my beautiful little girl. She is getting so big, some days it really hits you that 'wow she's NOT a baby any more!' I cant believe how fast she is growing.

And of course my handsome little man cuddling his infamous cup. He melts my heart every day. I love him so much. Can't believe how big he is getting too, seems like I was just sitting here blogging about being pregnant with him! 

Jordan has been losing baby teeth one after the other over here. (Another sign she is getting so big!!) Here she is after losing her 3rd baby tooth. :) She tries to hang on to them as long as possible, literally until they are hanging on by a thread but thankfully she let daddy pull this tooth out! 

Lastly, My best employee and close friend Kristi Brenneman is moving to Pennsylvania. Im pretty sad about it and I am freaked out about being lost with no Kristi to help at work and I'm weeks away from delivery. Though I'm mostly sad that my friend is leaving. I have a hard time getting close to anyone as a friend and trusting them and of course when I do, they get taken away. Really sucks and I'm mad and upset with our crappy luck but Im glad for the time we had together and memories we have. I hope we will be able to visit often and keep close. I will miss her.

Here is our kiddies at my moms pool a couple weeks ago, they had a blast and we had a great time relaxing and snacking by the pool. :) 

We will miss you Kristi Brenneman, you are awesome and a wonderful friend. Pennsylvania wont know what hit them! <3    :'-(

Megan and kids come for a visit!

This past week my friend Megan came from texas for a visit! We havent seen each other in 3 years!!! Time flies by when your so wrapped up in your life. We were really excited to finally get together and for our kids to meet and play together! Our picture perfect visit didnt go quite as planned, our girls are way to similar in personality and they argued over stuff the whole time. Its like they were competing for who was more of a big kid and running the show. Drove us crazy but there were fun times too where they behaved and had fun. The boys had fun and actually were really good the whole time, aside from Sawyer being a bit of a bully. He is going through a little bit of a phase of pulling and pushing that we are trying to break. All in all I would say we had a lot of fun catching up together and hanging out. We were able to go to the pool and stay at my parents beach house for a couple days for my birthday!

Here is a picture of me on my birthday! I turned 25 while I was 25 weeks pregnant :) 

 We went out for birthday breakfast and the girls argued over a blanket but at least they looked cute doing it haha

 The next day we went to broadway at the beach. The boys literally went along for the ride the whole time and were so good! They were looking at the massive fish that they have in the water there. Then they road around happy eating snacks! 

 Megan bought the girls henna tattoos which they are very proud of. Im curious to see how long it will last. Teagan got a diamond and Jordan got tinker bell. 

 This was from my birthday dinner. We went to river city cafe. The food was quite tasty and it even had a little indoor play place so the kids could burn off some energy before dinner. Too bad that didnt stop them from making a huge mess and spilling drinks. 

  

The next day it finally stopped raining and we headed to the beach, here is my hungry man having snacks on the beach. He cant go more than hour without a snack I swear! 

 Megan and sleepy Liam, it was getting close to nap time for the boys so we were getting ready to wrap it up. Plus Liam wasnt a huge fan of the sand and the water. 

The girls however LOVED the water and didnt want to get out. They were having a blast playing in the sand and jumping the waves!

The next day Megan had to leave to go to Penn. to visit her family. I wish we could have had more time together but I'm thankful for the time we had and that she was willing to drive down to see us after that huge drive from texas! We miss them, and we have to make sure it isnt three years again before we see each other! 

Happy 4th of July!!

Here is our 4th of July in a little nutshell! We headed over to Brad and Kristi's house around lunch time for some yummy burgers and fruit along with Derek's tasty special corn that I had been craving! After lunch we went out on the boat and let the kids swim in the lake. They had a blast!! Sawyer is a little fish just like his sister and wanted us to let him swim by himself! He was having a fit! Afterwards we had a rest and then headed to pinehurst for the firework show! I was a little worried how Sawyer would react but he LOVED them! He was so excited, he was clapping and pointing, it was adorable! All in all it was a really fun relaxing family day that was much needed! The kids had a blast! :) I love 4th of July!! :)