Thought cloud

I figured I should actually be using this more to write out things Im feeling and experiencing than just and update blog. Maybe even vent a little. Just been having a lot of stirring going on lately. I dont know why, but it seems Im never satisfied with what Im doing, yet I cant seem to commit to an idea of what I want to do with my life. I have enrolled in several universities and started programs only to quit them. Im not lazy or uninterested. I just really really strongly feel that unless what im doing is physically, emotionally, or any other way actually helping someone then the job has no meaning and doesnt matter. I cant commit and go to school to a do a job that means nothing. Desk work...totally unimportant. Accountant type work...equally unimportant. I mean that stuff is important for a minute or two for someone somewhere im sure. But tomorrow, what you did today wont matter, its just old filed paperwork. I just cant imagine doing a job like that, it literally depresses me just thinking about it. The thing that really sucks is that about 90% of jobs are this exact thing im trying to stay away from. Just keeping companies and businesses functioning.

I really truely feel like I am suppose to be doing something really important, and I just cant settle. I think about it constantly. I know one day I will finally figure it out and it will have been so obvious...but right now its driving me crazy. Its not just running my own little daycare business or maybe not even finishing school, but it will be something big...that helps alot of people. I like the idea behind missionary/volunteer work in other countries but as passtionate as am about this idea, im equally as passionate of my family, and I know whatever I do it will have to work around my family because they come first. So, im thinking traveling isnt practical for me.

I have had several people tell me just to get a job and then volunteer in my spare time to do something as a 'hobby'....yeah this isnt a hobby desire. I cant just volunteer at a soup kitchen and making shoeboxes at christmas. That is all great stuff but I know that wont satisfy what I have going on inside.
I dont know that I have much more to add to this because I really have no idea what it is im suppose to be doing....but I feel like Ill know soon. God has a really good thing in mind for me...just waiting to see what it is for now I guess. I feel like I have been stuck in this waiting game for about 4 years now.....any day now God...
Ill be here.....