32 weeks

Just thought I'd catch up on the pregnancy update. I'm now about 32.5 weeks (according to the doctors, I still think their dates are off) I still don't know when I ovulated, it wasn't on schedule. Since I was doing natural family planning I was tracking my weeks and abstaining during that week. Well that didn't work. However I do know when I had a positive pregnancy test and it was earlier than they think I should have.) I'm thinking instead of being due Oct 23rd I'm due closer to oct 10th. I sure feel more like 34 weeks.

Either way I'm sure this baby will be early, last I was checked I am already 1cm and 70% thinned out. I've already spent one night in labor and delivery a couple weeks ago for steady contractions. I've been seeing doctor szabo (against my will) who isn't concerned with what's going on. Despite my history of preterm labor with both kids. I can go from 1cm to 4cm like nothing. Next week is my last progesterone shot so I guess we will see how it goes. I also have an extra ultrasound to check the baby's weight. The baby so far has been measuring at the top of the charts. (Another reason I feel their dates are off) I make big babies but I don't make Guinness work record babies. All and all I'm expecting this baby to arrive between the end of sept and the beginning of oct. I'm very very ready for this one to be out and the pregnancy to be over. I'm ready to have my body back and a little energy as well as be able to finally hold this unexpected little surprise. Don't get me wrong I'm very very grateful to have this baby but I'm done with the incubating. I feel like the last 2 1/2 years i have been nothing but a walking uterus!

With all that aside, here is my 32 week picture.

Rainy day blues..

Some days it's really hard to get motivated here lately. For some reason I have been feeling sorry for myself and all around unhappy, though I try hard to ignore it, some days just get the best of me. I have been having more of them lately. Today is definitely one of them so I apologize in advance for an entire post of me whining.
I feel like I'm always in a constant state of conflict. Doing things I don't really want to do and going through the motions even though I really don't want to. When I sit and analyze my life there are so many things I wish I could fix, mainly with myself but I just don't know where to begin. I feel like a bad mom, wife, and friend. I suck at managing my bills/budget and my time. I am constantly exhausted. I have all these things I want out of life but I have no idea how to achieve them. I feel so stuck just working and trying to keep things running that there is no time for me to even think about what I want.
I feel like there's so much wrong with myself that I'm ruining my kids. How can it be that at 25 somehow I never developed social skills? When I think of something fun I'd love to do and try to think who I could get to go with me, I realize I really have no friends. I do have a couple that I love Jen, Megan and Kristi, though we don't talk on a regular basis or get the chance to see each other, I still care deeply for our friendships. I feel like our lives are so busy and passing by we hardly get to be apart of each others anymore. :(
Then there is a few women I really respect and appreciate here in NC, mainly Liz and Emily. I really look up to them as such good wives and mothers and I am truly thankful they live here and were kind enough to let me join in on things. Though I think because I'm a little younger and not in quite the same place in life I always feel like the little younger sister who is trying to hang with the cool kids. Like I'm not quite with it and don't have enough experience. I feel awkward and out of place a lot and that I don't have much to bring to a friendship.
I think just overall I don't feel like anyone really cares about me though. I'm over here running this stupid daycare and trying to raise my kids. I don't get invited places by anyone. No one just thinks to call me or write an email. No one has something funny happen to them and thinks "oh I have to text Laura about this". I just don't think I cross anyone's mind very often. I feel so lame because I don't even have any friends who I could just invite anywhere either! I'm not at all downing the friends I do have, life happens and your going and busy, I think I just feel left in the back somewhere, stuck and feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, I must come across so weird or rude or annoying. I can't figure it out, I've joined groups here. A church group and mommy groups and people don't seem to like me. I don't think I 'socially' left high school. I know it's my fault, I have a hard time opening up and feeling comfortable around new people. I have struggled with feeling judged by my peers all throughout my life. Having children young seems to have only made the problem worse. Not that I regret that at all. They are my greatest accomplishment. However anyone with a child Jordan's age is typically not anywhere close to my age. I feel like I'm constantly stuck with the stigma of being a teen mom though I'm in my mid 20s. I'm reminded of this stigma daily at work when people ask me about my due date and if this is my first. When I tell them 'no, it's my 3rd' I get all kinds of looks and blunt, thoughtless remarks as people try to guess how old I am and how I have almost three kids and a business in such a short life. The overall feeling I get is people think I have no idea what I'm doing and im careless. It's pretty evident with their remarks and their shocked expressions. It has gotten so bad lately that I have either lied and told people I'm older than I am or when they ask about my kids, i have left Jordan off my list to spare the discussion. What kind of mother does that? I guess a bad one that's tired of hearing the same crap. Apparently, ive found, it's totally acceptable for me to have sawyer and be pregnant, but Jordan?? She's way too old to be mine and who has three kids?? I mean im "going to have my hands so full" I must be crazy!?!or so I've been asked.
I'm not a military wife or stuck up or uppity or old and that seems to be about the only groups of women here. I have a really hard time fitting in. I don't know why I care what any of them think but I feel so sad that not one person finds me to be fun or worth their time. Every few months I have a big fat cry fest with Derek about all of this, and he tries to explain to me how I'm in control of this and if I want friends I need to make them, I need to put myself out there. I feel like I have and I just get rejected. Plus how does one just walk up to someone and become friends. It doesn't work like that.
I'm just sad. I've never had someone try to surprise me, for a birthday or just out of the blue. No one wanted to throw me a wedding shower and though I had one I kind of forced people into throwing my baby shower with sawyer. No one has given any thought to one this time, mainly because who would? Who would even come? i don't want one because I feel greedy, however I just thought it would be nice for someone to care about me and the baby enough to at least want to celebrate its life with brunch or something. I feel like a big cry baby and I feel completely selfish for wanting these things. I think I just want to feel like someone cares!!
I know I need to focus on what I'm lacking and what I want to change to better myself and to find purpose but I am struggling to do that on my own. If the problem is me but I have no help, how do I fix it, and what exactly needs fixing. Then again, who has the time? I still have a ton of dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, work, taking care of the kids etc and that's just tomorrow's list. I don't fit into my own schedule. There's just no time to sit around and feel sorry for myself or time to address the problems and fix it. That's why I'm up at 2am writing this post. Mainly to vent and get out my thoughts since I have no one to tell them to except Derek. I don't even think anyone reads my blog but maybe this will help myself to look back on in the long run. I pray, from a better place.
There's so much more I wanted to say and get out but I guess I'll save that for another rainy day.

Baby #3

The last week or so we have been transitioning at work after losing kristi. :( which unfortunately means a lot more work for me. I had gotten use to being able to rely on Kristi and pretty much cut my hours down to part time. Which is huge compared to the 65+ hours I was working every week while pregnant with Sawyer. I honestly don't know how I did it because I'm so so exhausted this time around, especially this last trimester. It's really been kicking my butt. Which is in part due to the fact that I have low iron and quite a low platelet count with this baby. It seems every pregnancy I have to develop some type of issue, it can't just be a normal uneventful experience. Jordan was threatening to come at 31 weeks then decided to arrive at 34 weeks. With Sawyer I had polyhydrominos (a lot of extra amniotic fluid), this baby is trying to thin out my blood :(.

My last blood draw was at 28 weeks and my platelet count was at 101 (I don't really understand the measurements but I do know the 'normal range' is 150-400. If mine continues to drop it will become an issue fast. Mainly because if it dips below 75 they won't administer an epidural during delivery. This wouldn't be such a big deal except at my growth scan today they found that the baby is measuring in the 99th percentile weighing in at 3lb and 14oz already!!!!!! Average for 29 weeks is about 2.5lbs. They are going to watch the growth to see what happens. I just don't know that I can do another all natural drug-free birth with a giant baby! I'm starting to stress a little! Though I am very thankful this baby is healthy I just don't understand why I grow such big babies :(

Other than that not a whole lot else going on! Trying to sort out work and juggle my mother/wife roles and find time for me. It just doesn't happen much. I'm just praying I get everything covered and taken care of by the time October comes. Hopefully this task will go smoothly!!